Wednesday, July 24, 2013

July 24: Daily Recap

The debauchery continues...

Breakfast: I was still frazzled and foggy this AM, and had a banana and a hard-boiled egg. Then, after I dropped the kids at the sitter, I stopped for a chocolate cake donut and a blueberry muffin from the grocery store. I also had a Diet Pepsi. This was my first in over a month. It is an addiction I have worked hard to break, and here I was, back at the aspartame.

Lunch: A gardenburger sub from Dave's Cosmic subs with Maui sweet onion potato chips. I chased that with a king size kit kat bar and a king size Reese's sticks.

Snacks: There were some, I can't really remember what they were. Some goldfish crackers, I know.

Dinner: I asked Mr. Kazoo to get me some tofu and vegetable pad thai from a restaurant in Ohio City on his way home. I forgot to specify that the pad thai should not have fish sauce. It had fish sauce. Fish sauce makes me throw up. After a few bites of the pad thai, I threw up. I also threw up the 5 delicious spring rolls that I ate before the pad thai. I couldn't really control it.

Dessert/Snack: King size Reese's big cup. Lightlife jumbo hot dog with hot dog bun, ketchup, and mustard.

Best caloric guess? 2837 calories.

This is what I do.

Always.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

July 23: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Coconut breakfast quinoa topped with strawberries and cherries. Calories: 368.

Lunch: Trader Joe's multigrain blend with vegetables topped with the last of the Chickpeas Romesco. Calories: 392.

Snack: Hard-cooked egg with some grapes. Calories: 132.

Then things got ugly at home, and it was like a switch flipped inside of me, and I ate. And I ate. And I ate. I don't have much memory of what I had.

There was a sandwich on Breadsmith butter-topped white with Morningstar farms veggie bacon (5 slices, I think), mayo, lacey swiss cheese, roasted red pepper, and lettuce.

I ate the rest of the can of potato sticks from yesterday.

Another Lightlife jumbo hot dog on a bun with ketchup and mustard.

Two hot dog buns stuffed with horseradish cheddar cheese.

A bowl of vanilla ice cream topped with Malley's fudge sauce.

No exercise.

Best caloric estimate: 2800

Monday, July 22, 2013

July 22: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Two fried eggs. Croissant. Slice of chocolate mousse cake (office birthday). [Calories: 682]

Lunch: Two Lightlife jumbo hot dogs, two hot dog buns, ketchup and mustard. Potato sticks (1.5 cans), a half of a giant chocolate chip cookie stuffed with vanilla ice cream. [Calories: 1245]

Dinner: Salad with mixed greens, spinach, carrot, cucumber, radish, horseradish cheddar, a Luna burger, rice noodles, sliced almonds, and more of the Oriental salad dressing. [Calories: 746]

Dessert: Vanilla ice cream.

Exercise: None

Total Calories: 2890

Sunday, July 21, 2013

July 21: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Coconut breakfast quinoa topped with cherries, strawberries, and blueberries [333 Calories].

Exercise: 46.6 mile bike ride.

Ride Fuel: 23 miles in I ate a package of gatorade chews, about seven miles later I can one of those awful canned Starbucks double espresso drinks, and when I finish, I had a Luna bar. Fuel is necessary on long rides like this, and these made me feel great on a very fast ride (especially considering my hungover state and the fact that I was very, very short on sleep) [Calories: 420]

Lunch: What was left of the brown rice, 2/3 c. chickpeas romesco, and some more parmesan roasted cauliflower [Calories: 372].

Snack: That ride, exhaustion, and days of bad eating made me crave more badness. I indulged in a chocolate Vitatop muffin and a PBJ on whole wheat bread with a cup of soy milk. [Calories: 541]

Dinner: Wasn't feeling super hot, but went out to Beer Engine in Lakewood for two black bean sliders, two onion rings, and some fries. Calories? No idea...maybe...478? That's why my computer tells me, and I'm blindly going with it.

Dessert: FUCK!!! Vanilla ice cream. Calories: 289.

Calories consumed: 2434
Calories burned: 2540
Net calories: -106 

Saturday, July 20, 2013

July 20: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Coconut breakfast quinoa topped with cherries, strawberries, and blueberries [349 calories].

Exercise: 3.76 mile walk, included two climbs up Stinchcomb hill and one climb up Hogsback. [Burn: 364 calories]

Lunch: 2/3 cup brown rice, 2/3 cup Chickpeas Romesco, approximately 2 cups of cauliflower roasted in a teaspoon of olive oil and topped with a tablespoon of asiago cheese [429 calories].

Dinner: We went to a wedding, and I consumed what I guess to be about 40 ounces of white wine. There was bread and salad, cheesy potatoes and mixed veggies, and a cupcake. I was drunk. [1862 calories].

Post-Wine Binge: A veggie burger with cheese from Burger King with a large order of fries. And after that? A half of a PB&J.

Calories consumed: 3945
Calories burned: 364
Net Calories: 3581



Friday, July 19, 2013

July 19: Daily Recap

Breakfast: I started off right with a bowl of coconut breakfast quinoa topped with strawberries, blueberries, cherries, and unsweetened coconut.

And then...all hell broke loose...

I spent the day with my family. While the kids swam, I snacked on potato skins (the chips), Twizzler bites, Brach's candies, horseradish cheese and crackers, and two small tortillas slathered with Biscoff spread.

For dinner, you ask? We ordered Outback. I had a house salad with tangy tomato dressing, bread and butter, some bloomin' onion, some cheese fries with ranch, and a few bites of spinach and artichoke dip.

For dessert? A bowl of vanilla ice cream and a Heath candy bar.

Take that, clean eating.

Oh...and no exercise.

Approximate calories consumed: 3216.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

July 18: Daily Recap

Breakfast: 2 servings of low fat cottage cheese with strawberries [203 calories].


Exercise: [Yeah. I did that shit today. In this heat. BAM!] Speed workout on the roadie--5 minute warm-up; ten 3-minute intervals [1 minute high intensity/speed; 2 minutes low intensity]. Turned around after the final high intensity interval and rode back home for a total 70-75 minute ride.

Lunch: Salad with mixed greens, cucumber, carrots, adzuki burger, roasted red peppers, havarti with dill, crispy rice noodles, sliced almonds, and the rest of the Applebee's dressing [720 calories]. [I forgot to take a photo, but it looks just like yesterday's, so here ya go.]


Holy SHIT, salad?! That's a lot of damn calories. The dressing was killer, and the mayo in the dressing alone accounted for 180 of those calories. I loved the dressing, though, and want to try and make it work. I'll try making it with fat free Greek yogurt next time, and see if it's still as delicious. Otherwise, I'll have to 86 the havarti and the rice noodles to fit this into my diet on occasion. It really was a welcome break from my usual honey with Dijon mustard, and it made my lunchtime salad something that I actually looked forward to eating.

On the plus side, my calories for breakfast were very low, and I ate that salad after a 15-mile ride with speed intervals. MyNetDiary tells me I burned over 800 calories, which I think is preposterous, but even if I only burned 300-400, I'm still looking good for the rest of the day. Besides, I'm counting calories to get my eating in check, not to obsess about the numbers. Counting made me realize that, on a rest day with a regular breakfast, this salad is a little too high in calories as it is and adjustments will have to be made.

Snack: Pickle [10 calories]

Dinner: 2/3 cup brown rice topped with 2/3 cup leftover chickpeas romesco and one cup of red, seedless grapes [425 Calories]


Total calories consumed: 1357

I am trying to remember that I need to be a little hungry to make the number on the scale go down. I'm not talking about starving myself or anything. I want to keep my body fed and nourished. I want to build muscles and get stronger and faster and heal my old wounds, but I can't feel satisfied all of the time. I've been documenting my food here for over a month now, and I'm a long way from having a healthy, consistent diet. It's something I must continue to work on.

Even now, when the sun is sinking and the day is ending, I could go for some ice cream. Heck, I could even go for some fruit and yogurt (but no vegetables, please, I'm not that hungry). Some Vega chocolate protein powder with soy milk would also be fantastic. Or a frozen waffle (or four). Instead, I will focus my attention elsewhere, and remind myself why I'm doing this.

For me. For Mr. Kazoo. For my kids. To feel comfortable in my skin. To be confident. To be healthy. To be strong. To be fit.



Wednesday, July 17, 2013

July 17: Daily Recap

I woke up miserable thanks to the suffocating heat and a throbbing headache. I just need to survive until the weather breaks on Saturday. I'd planned a speed ride today, and a hill ride tomorrow, but exercise and training just may not happen until Saturday morning's 45-mile distance ride (and coincidental break in the heat). 

Breakfast: Fat-free Greek yogurt drizzled with honey and topped with cherries, strawberries, banana, and granola.


Today was a work day for me and, in an effort to beat the heat, I headed to the closest SBux for some A/C and some icy, headache-reducing relief.

Snack: Starbucks iced venti nonfat latte with cinnamon and two packets of Sugar in the Raw.


Lunch: Mixed salad greens with carrot, radish, cucumber, Azuki bean burger, Havarti w/ dill, crispy rice noodles, and sliced almonds dressed in the Applebee's Oriental Chicken Salad dressing (recipe here). I used to love this salad, back in my meat-eating days, and was really hankering for the taste of this dressing. Is it the healthiest salad dressing I could have chosen? No. Did I enjoy my salad greens, rather than fighting the urge to gag and choke this salad down? Hell to the yes.


Snack: Granola with raisins and soy milk. Ritz crackers and Havarti w/ dill (not pictured).

Dinner: The tortilla salad from EYC topped with a black bean burger and dressed with chipotle ranch dressing. The salad had scallions, black bean and tomato salsa, cheese, and tortilla strips. Again, not super healthy, but hey...green.

Dessert: (sigh) Vanilla ice cream.

Two things:

Between breakfast and latte, I stepped on the scale for the first time in 21 days. Yes, I was supposed to wait another nine. No, I was not thrilled with the result. I put the scale away, and will not touch it again until the 26th.

Second, I NEED. TO. FIX. MY. DIET. Sweets and cheese seem to be my problem. I'm tempted to go vegan for thirty days, just to fix that shit, but I think it would be simpler to count calories again. I need some new batteries for my food scale, though, but I'll bust out the measuring cups and spoons and start counting tomorrow, scale or not. We'll see how that helps me through the next nine days. I want my next date with the scale to be a bit more promising.


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

July 16: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Fage fat-free Greek yogurt drizzled with honey and topped with cherries, strawberries, banana, and granola.


Lunch: Salad greens with cucumber, carrot, radish, spicey smoked tofu (not great), havarti with dill, hard-cooked egg, dried cranberries, and walnuts dressed in Dijon mustard and honey.


Exercise: 30 minute circuit. I alternated 3 minute intervals of spinning with 3 minute intervals of strength exercises focusing on the shoulders, biceps, triceps, chest, abs, glutes, and hamstrings. I tried to keep this one a little less intense because it was HOT, and my day was kicking my ass enough as it was.

Dinner: [Not pictured.] My usual order from Cozumel. Cheese quesadilla, bean burrito, and bean tostada with sour cream. Don't forget the chips and salsa.

Dessert: Mitchell's pistachio ice cream. Sooooooo sweet. Too sweet, even.

 

I've clearly got the exercise portion of my program down. I'm, of course, struggling with THE MOST IMPORTANT element that will help me reach my goals, diet. It's what I always struggle with. In ten days, I take my first round of progress photos in over a month, and I step on the scale. I don't want to be discouraged, so for the next ten days, I really need to focus on food.

The forecast through Friday looks BRUTAL, and I may not get much exercise because I really, really struggle in weather like this. Food is key.

So...for the next ten days, I will eat clean, clean, clean, clean. The only exception I will allow myself will occur at a wedding I'm attending on Saturday night. I will allow myself a few cocktails and, of course, a piece of wedding cake. But other than that, it's got to be perfect. And if I succeed, I'll buy myself a reward. Maybe a sandbag, maybe an equalizer, maybe a pair of cute shoes--just so long as the thought of it keeps me on track.

Let's do it.

Monday, July 15, 2013

July 15: Daily Recap

Today was supposed to be a return to clean eating, but I failed rather spectacularly. It all started, of course, with breakfast.

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs, croissant, cruller.

I work at a very small office with people who constantly bust one another's balls. I often try not to draw attention to myself by, for instance, broadcasting that I'm trying to lose weight. So I'll eat whatever is ordered at the cafe, just as I normally would. I think I may have to change strategies.

Exercise: This was a patch job for me. I started with a five minute warm-up on the spin bike, and did the following circuit three times. Reps and weights varied.
  • Air Squats (20/10/8)
  • Stiff-legged Deadlifts--50 lbs (20/10/8)
  • Bent-over Rows (each side) (25 lb first set, 20 lb second and third set) (20/10/8)
  • Push-ups (on my knees...still) 20/10/8
  • Sit-ups (20/10/8)
Time for circuit: 14:28.2. I'd originally planned on doing three sets of 20 reps of all exercises, but that was a little too ambitious. I'll have to work up to it.

I followed the circuit with a hard five minutes on the spin bike, before completing six 20-second planks with 20-second rests between each plank. I'm wondering if my inability to do push ups on my toes, and my difficulty with the jump-out portion of burpees, is due to a weak core. So I'll add some planks to the end of my circuits for a while to see if that helps things. I look forward to hiring a trainer in November, let me tell you.

Lunch: Smoothie in a bowl made with soy milk, banana, oats, Vega protein powder, and chia seed, topped with granola and PB2.

I had dinner plans last night and had planned on ordering a salad, but that didn't happen. While getting ready for dinner, I had a small sliver of chocolate cake and two Ritz crackers topped with Havarti w/ dill. Then...

Dinner: At Tommy's on Coventry in Cleveland Heights--I started with the french onion soup (with the cheese, of course), moved on to a falafel pocket (of which I ate half), and had a few of the Niblet's french fries.

Dessert: Chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream. And then a bit more, for good measure.

*sigh*

No. I am not giving up.

[I only ended up taking photos of my lunch, and I just don't feel like posting even that.]

Sunday, July 14, 2013

July 14: Daily Recap

For the record, this is what clean eating does not look like...

Breakfast/Pre-Ride Fuel: Cupcake, peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat bread, and soy milk.




 

Exercise: Distance ride on the roadie--took my Hilliard loop but added a bit on to the western edge, by heading west on Walker from Bradley and taking it to Abbe before heading north to Lake and coming home for a 35.65-mile ride. This was tough, partly due to my terrible pre-ride meal, partly because I'm still recovering from my cold, and partly because my body was just hurting. There was a knot to the right of my upper back that felt like an angry, throbbing softball. I called Mr. Kazoo for a ride about 2/3 of the way through the ride, but I made it home before he found me on the route.

Lunch: We took our family out for brunch at Deagan's to celebrate Sweetpea's birthday. I chose the 3-egg Gruyere omelet with home fries. Mr. Kazoo also ordered some house donuts for the table, and I had half of one. The donuts were oreo-slathered and just ok.


After brunch, we took the fam to our house for presents, cake, and ice cream. I had a piece of chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream (not pictured).

Dinner: I decided to give in and eat all of the foods I've been craving before getting back to clean eating on the regular. I had a sandwich with two slices of Breadsmith rosemary break, tempeh bacon (fried in peanut oil), mayonnaise (the regular, full fat kind), Lacey Swiss cheese, roasted red pepper, and lettuce. On the side? Grandma's macaroni salad, potato chips (more were eaten than pictured), and a real Dr. Pepper. Le sigh.


Dessert: Again? Yes. A bowl of vanilla ice cream. I went for the gold today. No picture.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

July 13: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Oatmeal made with 1/3 cup old fashioned oats, 1/3 cup soy milk, 1/3 cup water, 1/2 banana (sliced), topped with PB2 peanut butter, strawberry jam, raisins, and granola.


Lunch: Salad of mixed greens, cucumber, herbed goat cheese, slice of tempeh bacon, hemp burger, dried cranberries, and walnuts dressed in mustard and honey.


Snack: Banana with two coconut macadamia macaroons.


Dinner: We were too exhausted after a long day of chores to make dinner, so we headed to Sweet Melissa's in Rocky River to eat. I could not do another salad today, so I chose the fried rice. As usual, veg options at most places consist of salads or something fatty. So something fatty, I ordered.


Dessert: Eat at Sweet Melissa's and not order dessert??? You crazy? I ate about a half of a piece of Oreo cheesecake. No photo.

Friday, July 12, 2013

July 12: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Due to limited options again today, I opted for a *treat* breakfast of two Kashi blueberry waffles with butter and syrup with a mug of soy milk.


This was a mistake. Mostly because the hunger that began my day from such a small, high sugar, low nutrient breakfast just would not be abated for the rest of the day. Not to mention, the Michael Meyers of colds, the kind that just won't die, made me feel pretty awful by late afternoon, and my choices were poorer and poorer.

Lunch: At least I managed a decent lunch, right? Salad greens with cucumber, red bell pepper, radish, carrot, savory sprouted tofu, hard-cooked egg, havarti with dill, sliced raw almonds, and dried cranberries, dressed in spicy brown mustard and honey.


That lunch didn't do it for me, however, so I ate the crusts from the Niblet's peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat sandwich. And then I hate a few handfuls of potato chips from last weekend's picnic.

And then, later, I ate a sleeve of Ritz crackers. Some were topped with Havarti w/ dill, some with strawberry jam.

And I skipped dinner.

Well, I sort of skipped dinner, because after the kids were in bed, I grabbed another pint of Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream and had a bowl while watching Tru Blood.

Oh, and no exercise. We'll call today a rest day.

It was just a day. Right?

Thursday, July 11, 2013

July 11: Daily Recap

I woke up ready for another healthy day, then realized that I'd forgotten to prepare my overnight oats last night, and I had no healthy options available that I wanted, and I got PISSED. I was absolutely enraged by dieting, healthy food, all. Of. It.

Breakfast: Two large eggs, broccoli (fucker), carrot, shallot, and red bell pepper cooked in olive oil. I topped this with asiago cheese so that I didn't hate life so very much.


I hated every stupid bite.

Exercise: [Speed Day] I hopped on my roadie and warmed up for the first five minutes of my ride (headed south/west on Hilliard). Then I completed ten speed intervals of one high-intensity, high-speed minute followed by two minutes of recovery. When I finished the final interval, I turned around and headed home. The wind worked against me on the way back, so the final 40-ish minutes of the ride were tougher than intended.

Lunch: Salad greens topped with cucumber, red bell pepper, carrot, radish, broccoli (fuckyou), savory sprouted tofu, Havarti with dill (the goat cheese isn't working for me in my salads), walnuts, and a Hilary's Hemp & Greens Burger. Since I'd already had two eggs for breakfast, I decided to use another "protein" on my usual salad. I'm really loving these burgers, but they are pricey, and I really ought to start making my own veg burgers.


It was tough not to snack this AM, but since it was my little Sweet Pea's first birthday, and I knew that I'd be eating an unhealthy dinner, I managed to hold out.

Dinner: We headed to Cozumel in Lakewood, our favorite Mexican restaurant, and started with the usual chips and salsa. I moved on to their Vegetarian #1, a cheese enchilada, bean burrito, and bean tostada, with a side of sour cream (not pictured). I ate everything but about half of the beans in the burrito and didn't touch the tostata (except for the lettuce on top).


After a relatively stressful mean and bedtime, I caved and ate a chocolate birthday cupcake with a teensy taste of the Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. So delicious.


I'm trying not to freak about this day. One high-calorie, high-fat meal with dessert is not the end of the world, but Tuesdays through Thursdays are usually my awesome-perfect days, and with ice cream on Wed. and this meal today, I'm a bit worried about getting through the weekend. Weekends are tough, anyway, but I feel a bit of pressure not to indulge given my weeknight treats this week. One decision at a time, I guess.

"But what if...it's not working??"

The scale is still calling to me, despite the fact that I'd made a commitment to myself not to weight myself for thirty days, until July 26, in an effort to stop focusing on the scale.

So...why the scale obsession?

At a certain point in this and every attempt to be the healthy woman of my dreams, the woman I have daydreamed about for my entire adult life, I start to have major, major doubts.

What if this isn't enough?

What if I'm doing this wrong?

What if this isn't WORKING?????

Again, the rational part of me knows that the scale is not the ultimate answer to these questions. It is my old, familiar, and somewhat unhealthy benchmark that only gives me one small side of the story. But, on some level, that scale will tell me if this is all working.

Today I've been asking myself many, many questions.

First, why does it matter if it is working?

Well, because I have a goal. I have a goal that I'm willing to make sacrifices for. But those sacrifices are difficult. My old, unhealthy habits give me a great deal of happiness (albeit temporary happiness) and comfort (again...temporary). They are so beautifully familiar. So if these sacrifices are not working, well, why bother? Why not go back to familiar? To comfortable? Why try so hard?

And this is what has stopped me short, time and time again. Life gets in the way, the sacrifices become too difficult or stop mattering, I don't see results, and I give up.

So. If this isn't working...I'll quit.

This leads me to my next question--what does working mean? What am I hoping to achieve?

The answer to this is complicated. It is healthy and unhealthy. It is possible and impossible. But if I were to paint a picture of the woman of my dreams, the woman I hope to be at the end of this "journey" (ugh...gag me), it's this:

I want to look, feel like, and be as fit as a Crossfit chick. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to be lean and muscular. I want to be an amazing example of health and fitness for my kids. I want healthy food and fitness to be a part of my every day life. I want it to be not just what I do, but who I am. I don't want it to be a constant struggle. Who bitches about brushing their teeth every day? Nobody, that's who! It's just something you do! Not doing it would just be disgusting, right?

I want to be hot. I want to wear the clothes that I've always dreamed about. I want to be confident. I want to be brave. I want to feel good in my skin. I want to take my kids swimming without being ashamed or wholly focused on how I look in a bathing suit. I want to go on beach vacations. I want to wear a dress on a date with Mr. Kazoo. I want to zip knee high boots over my calves. I want to wear skinny jeans.

I want to be healthy and vibrant. I want to avoid illness and, if it finds me, I want to be in the best health that I can be to fight it, to heal. I want to age gracefully. I want to be that seventy year old woman that power walks her way out of the Grand Canyon. I want to do push ups on my toes. I want to do pull ups at the playground. I want to do burpees and mountain climbers. I want to see the muscles in my arms and legs.

If you divided this vision into two categories, there would be a health-focused vision and a vanity-focused vision.

I need to try and let go of the vanity-focused vision, just a little. This one has always been the one that has driven me the most, and it is a negative motivator. I can't control the dimples on my thighs. I can't control whether or not my mommy pooch shrinks and tightens. I can't control whether or not the fat roll under my arms disappears.

The health-focused vision I can control, to some extent. I can control how strong I get. How fast I move. I control how many fruits and vegetables and whole grains and lean proteins I consume and, of course, how many bowls of ice cream and cookies I eat. My actions control the example I set for my kids. So do my habits. I control to what degree I accept myself. I control how strong I'll be as I age (barring major illness that I have no control over, of course).

I know, rationally, that focusing on these things, a nutrient-rich diet with proper portions, strength and fitness activities, that I can have some effect on whether I can wear skinny jeans or fit into my board shorts again. But I can't force my body to be this perfect, Crossfit-ty paragon of fitness that I want it to be (or can I...?).

The question I've been asking myself is, So if I can't lose weight, if I can't wear knee high boots, if I can't wear a swimsuit, if I can't see the definition in my leg muscles, is it even worth it? Do I keep doing it?

The answer has to be yes. I'm eating right more often than I'm not. I'm consciously trying to make healthy choices, every day. I'm exercising intensely almost daily. I'm doing the right kind of exercise, too. I know this. I know I'm setting a great example for my kids. I know that if I keep this up for the next two weeks, two months, two years, two decades, I will age the way I want to age.

I still want to know the number on the scale. Even though I know that the number has little to do with my goals. I know it will take a long, long time before that number stops having any meaning. 

I know, too, that focusing on the scale may prevent me from finding out something that I really, really want to know. I've been doing very well for almost a month now, eating right, working out intensely, drinking lots of water, keeping my health and my goals in the forefront of my mind. What I want to know is...what will happen to me, to my body, to my psyche, if I keep with his for an entire year? Two? Three? What would I look like? How healthy would I be? How would I feel?

I've never managed to be consistent for any great length of time. I've probably managed, oh, maybe three months of healthy living at any given time before falling back into my old ways. But a year?? What would that be like?

The only way that I can ever know this is to do it. Nomatter what the scale says. Nomatter what is happening in my life. To just stick with the tedium, the quinoa, the salads, the motherfuckingbroccoli, the hill rides, the failed burpee attempts.

Thinking this through on my last bike ride and organizing my thoughts here, I've finally gotten the lesson that I have been searching for when contemplating this damn scale. I was trying to decide whether or not it really mattered whether I got on the scale today or waited another fifteen days, and I just realized why it does matter.

It matters because if I stepped on that damn scale and saw that I'd only lost two or three pounds, I'd be heartbroken. I'd be discouraged. I might start obsessively counting calories again. I might start exercising three times every day. I might give up. The number still means too much to me. My vain reasons for doing this would overpower my other, healthy, important reasons.

And then, who knows, maybe I'd step on the scale and see that I lost 10 pounds.  I'd be thrilled. I could go one of two ways. I could say, "Hey, I lost ten pounds and I still made lots of mistakes! Maybe if I cut back a little more on food and worked a little bit harder, I could reach my goal faster!" and then eat in such a way that would lead to an all out week-long binge later. Or, who knows, maybe I'd allow myself to eat more sweets and larger portions, telling myself that I had done so well and was losing so quickly that a little more food couldn't really hurt.

I don't want the scale to control this process. This is not to say that, on the morning of 7/26, I won't strip down after a visit to the toilet before hopping on the scale at 4:30 a.m. because I'm too excited to sleep. I know that will happen. What I hope to achieve is that, through restricting access to the scale, I will, one day, focus less on it. Instead, I will focus on other goals that I know will get me where I want to be: more squats, double-unders, push ups.

So, no, I won't be stepping on the scale today. Yes, I'll eat more goddamnedbroccoli. All I can do is keep slogging through.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

July 10: Daily Recap

Breakfast: 2% Cottage cheese with cherries.


This morning I was DESPERATE to step on the scale. I'm feeling great, like I'm getting smaller, but for some reason, this just isn't enough to verify that I'm successful. I need to KNOW. And, after weighing myself multiple times every day for my entire adult life, the scale is still my benchmark, my measure of success.

Rationally, I know that I'm being asinine. But I need to know if I'm eating too many calories. I need to know if I'm working hard enough. I need to know if I'm doing everything right.

Rationally, I know that I'm eating about the right amount, on most days. My workouts are intense. I'm doing everything right.

So...why the obsession with the scale...?

I'm trying not to focus on that damn number and, yet, despite my attempts to be rational, I have a number in mind that I want to see when I stop on the scale in 16 more days. I want to see 178. Or less. And anything else will be a great disappointment to me. It will not matter that I've shaved time off of my Hogsback rides and walked, it will not matter whether or not I can do a regulation push up, it will not matter how far or how fast I've ridden my bike. All that will matter is that, to me, I failed.

Ri-fucking-diculous.

That said, at least I managed not to step on the scale. Today, anyway. 16 days is a lot of days.

Exercise
Part I: Run five times up the easternmost stairs at Huntington Beach for time. This was easier than I thought it would be. Time for ten ups (and nine downs) 11:44.15. I'd like to finish that sub-ten minutes by the end of the summer. The next few times I try it, I'll try and see how many climbs I can get in under thirty minutes. That should, I think, get me faster on this sprint.

Because I felt that 12-ish minutes was a bit short for a workout, I came home and did a quick circuit.

Part II: Completed three rounds of the following (time: 13:57:15):
  • 10 Single-legged deadlifts/right leg (2 10-lb plates)
  • 10 Single-legged deadlifts/left leg (2 10-lb plates)
  • 10 weighted side bends/right (25 lb plate)
  • 10 weighted side bends/left (25 lb plate)
  • 10 upright rows (25 lb plate)
  • 10 bent-over flys (5 lb dumbbells)
  • 10 crunches on ball
Lunch: Salad with spinach, cucumber, radish, red bell pepper, broccoli, hard-cooked egg, savory sprouted tofu, herbed goat cheese, craisins, and walnuts, dressed in Dijon mustard and honey.


Could I BE any more boring? Could I?

Snacks: I was hungry today, and had two pineapple macadamia macaroons, and some raw almonds and dried cranberries. Could be worse, I guess.



Dinner: Brown rice topped with Veganomicon's Chickpeas Romesco (recipe here) with...can it BE..MORE steamed broccoli??? Get the fuck out!! With a touch of butter even!?!? Wow!! What creativity!


Also? Fuck broccoli.

Dessert: Yeah. This happened. Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream with some leftover Malley's hot fudge. Consider this an invitation for fat to remain on my body. *sigh*


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

July 9: Daily Recap

Amazingly, I did not feel like total ass today, despite whatever the hell that it was that happened to me yesterday. I was expecting a horrible day of cold/flu, and instead I just felt somewhere from "meh" to "ok" and gradually improved to "ok" throughout the day. I still took it easy, though, and chose not to exercise. I just took the kids to the pool (which belies my not exercising a tad) and tried to eat clean and lay low, to help my body heal.

Breakfast: Smoothie with light coconut milk, soy milk, 1/4 banana, waaaaaaayyy too muck kale, blueberries, and a scoop of Vega protein powder. This thing was disgusting and way too kale-y. It needed more banana, but I was out and only found a tiny little leftover nib in the fridge. I topped the smoothie with Honey Nut Cheerios and puffed rice, and tried to choke down as much as I could. NASTY.

Snack: Salted, dry roasted almonds (no photo--imagine some almonds).

Lunch:Salad with romaine, spinach, cucumber, carrot, radish, hard-cooked egg, savory sprouted tofu, herbed goat cheese, and walnuts dressed in Dijon mustard and honey.

Dinner: Whole wheat pasta spirals topped with tempeh chili and shredded cheddar cheese, steamed broccoli topped with a touch of butter. I'm getting sick to death of broccoli. It's taken a while, but this bowl made me pretty gaggy.



My diet is dull and boring and, well, I kind of hate it a little bit. Of course, if this works, then it is the best fucking thing on this futher-mucking planet but...well...I'm not weighing myself, and I'm not photographing myself, and I don't want to obsess in front of the mirror looking for day-to-day changes, so I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA IF THIS BORING ASS DIET IS WORKING FOR MY BODY.

*sigh*

...but I'll do it anyway.

FUCK!

Monday, July 8, 2013

July 8: Daily Recap

Exercise: My usual walking route, before the sun was up. Walks and bike rides (except for my Hogsback-only rides) always get my head right. My time was 48:30.

Breakfast: Two fried eggs with a croissant. A co-worker had a birthday this week, so we also had monkey bread cupcakes. And no, I could not pass it up, though I ought to have.

And this is where my day fell apart. I had only about 45-60 minutes after my breakfast meeting to wait around before heading for another meeting about 60 minutes away. I headed to Edgewater Yacht Club to change into my work clothes (flip flops aren't really appropriate work attire, which is a constant disappointment to me) and do some work before heading downtown to pick up my boss and head to Norwalk for our meeting.

The meeting was at 1:30 and, by the time we left, 3:00, and dropped off another colleague, 3:30, I was ravenous. I'd planned to just stop at a Wendy's for some fries, which is my usual course of action in these situations, but I paused, saw a nearby Get Go gas station, and opted to step inside to pick up some almonds and a banana. I ate a lot of the almonds, too many, but at least the nutritional profile of this *meal* puts me way ahead of where I'd have been had I ordered french fries and soda.

Lunch/Snack: Almonds and banana.

Then...it happened. I started to feel...not well. And I knew that a massive cold was coming. My throat was aching and I felt hot and tired. I thought back to Sweet Pea's *teething* over the last several days and realized, no, girlfriend was not teething. Girlfriend was sick.

I picked up the kids and headed home before confessing to Mr. Kazoo that I needed to get my sick ass in bed. The poor man had a long and exhausting day, but he was able to step up and take care of dinner and babies without me while I Airborne-d, Xycam-ed, and Ibuprofen-ed myself up, drank a bunch of water, and climbed in bed.

I woke up in time to help with bed time, but lolled on the couch like a slug for the rest of the night. I wanted orange sherbert for dinner, but after yesterday's eating and today's over-almonded late lunch, I had...

Dinner: Smoothie of soy milk, banana, oats, and chia seed topped with stale Honey Nut Cheerios and PB2 peanut butter.

No photos again, today. I'll get back in the habit tomorrow.

I'm 18 days away from stepping on the scale, and I'm getting very curious. My fear is that the number is the same or higher, but I am feeling changes. I feel muscles popping up in places where I felt no muscles before. Clothes are getting looser. My waist is feeling smaller. I even see obliques on either side of my belly, which is just NUTS! But I so want to know what that number on the scale is, already!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

July 7: Daily Recap

We had a long, fun family day planned for a picnic at Pymatuning State Park today, so I popped out of bed a bit early to get a quick circuit workout in before things got crazy.

I'd planned to do five rounds of the following, but it was tough and I was crunched for time (but mostly...it was tough) and I finished three rounds in 19:42.6.

10 Air Squats
10 Push Ups
10 Chair dips
10 hammer curl/shoulder press combos with 25 lb. plate (OUCH!)
10 Russian twists with 5 lb. dumbbell
100 jump ropes

Afterwards, I ate a hard-cooked egg and hurried to pack for the day.

Hours later, when we headed out, I still hadn't eaten breakfast. This was probably a mistake. After we arrived, I just ate at will. I know that I consumed the following:

2 hard-boiled eggs, a pineapple macadamia nut macaroon, fresh veggies, a multigrain hamburger bun dipped in hummus, macaroni salad, Asian coleslaw, potato chips, a large vanilla egg hamburger bun, and three Breadsmith chocolate chip cookies.

Later that night, after we were home and the kiddos were in bed, I had a small portion of cold pasta (whole wheat spirals with homemade sauce) and a hamburger bun with butter on half, jam and cream cheese on the other.

Not. A. Good. Day.

No photos were taken, since it was just a grazing kind of day. I tried to be a bit active, kicked a ball around with the Niblet, took Sweet Pea for a few walks, but tomorrow needs to be a better day.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

July 6: Daily Recap

Pre-Ride Fuel: Cottage cheese with strawberries.

Exercise: I rode the same 23.25 mile loop that I rode June 20. My time on 6/20 was 1:52:57.1. My time today? 1:44:52.8!!!! That's over eight minutes faster! HELLZ YEAH!!! The ride felt great, too. I felt strong, and my new Keen commuter sandals made for a much more comfortable ride. Loved it today!

Breakfast: Smoothie in a bowl made with a cup of soy milk, a banana, a half a cup of quick oats, and a half of a tablespoon of chia seed topped with granola and PB2. After my ride I blended the milk and banana together and stirred in the oats and chia seed before putting the blender carafe in the fridge. I let the mixture soak while I showered and dressed and then, afterwards, I blended it together and added the toppings. It wasn't as delicious as an overnight oat smoothie, but it was a great substitute!


Lunch: Salad of mixed greens, carrot, savory tofu, hard-cooked egg, Amish butter cheese, pomegranate seeds, and walnuts tossed in honey and Dijon mustard.


Snack: Hard-cooked egg and pineapple macadamia macaroon.

Dinner: Whole wheat pasta spirals topped with tempeh chili, shredded cheddar cheese, and, you guessed it, steamed broccoli with a touch of butter. Glass of wine.



Friday, July 5, 2013

July 5: Daily Recap

Today was a rough day, sick baby-wise, and I had to fight the urge to stress/emotionally eat all day. I failed in some ways, and I succeeded in others.

Breakfast: Coconut quinoa with strawberries, cherries, a teaspoon of maple syrup, and unsweetened, shredded coconut. Success.


Snack: I was hungry and settled on a hard-boiled egg and a macaroon. Success,


More Snacks: I snacked on about 10 Ritz crackers and a handful of Skittles. Fail.

Lunch:  In order to keep myself from snacking this morning, I promised myself a yummy if not totally clean lunch to keep me from eating all of the Potty Prizes. I had a delicious tempeh bacon sandwich with mayonnaise, Amish butter cheese, and lettuce on toasted Breadsmith multigrain bread. More TJ's pea snacks on the side. Semi-success.


More Snacks: More Skittles. Couldn't stop myself. Fail.

Dinner: Gardein Chick'n Scallopini with melted part-skim mozzrella cheese over brown rice pasta with homemade pasta sauce. Broccoli with slightly more than a touch of butter. Semi-success.


This could have been better, sure, but it could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. It was delicious and comforting and, believe it or not, kept me from eating crap for the rest of the night.

No exercise today. I was too busy losing my mind with the kids.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

July 4: Daily Recap

Today was definitely not the best Fourth of July that I've experienced. My poor Sweetpea was sick and rather miserable, so we canceled our parade and picnic plans and stayed home for the day.

Breakfast: Coconut quinoa with a teaspoon of maple syrup, plum, cherries, and unsweetened coconut.


Exercise: I mixed up my usual 5x5x5 circuit format and performed five different circuits comprised of five minutes of spinning and five different exercises per circuit. Here's How they looked:
  • Circuit 1:
    • 5 minutes of spinning
    • 10 burpees
    • 10 supermans
    • 10 50-lb stiff-legged deadlifts
    • 10 side bends, each side, 25 lb. plate
    • 10 bent-over rows, each side, 25 lb. plate
  • Circuit 2:
    • 5 minutes of spinning
    • 10 squats with alternating side kicks
    • 10 front/lateral shoulder raises (8 lb. dumbbells)
    • 10 stiff-legged deadlift/row combos (25 lb. plate)
    • 10 narrow chest presses (25 lb. plate)
    • 10 overhead pulls (25 lb. plate)
  • Circuit 3:
    • 5 minutes of spinning
    • 10 chest flys on ball (8 lb dumbbells)
    • 10 skull crushers on ball (8 lb dumbbells)
    • 10 back rows on ball (8 lb dumbbells)
    • 10 ball passes
    • 10 ball hamstring curls
  • Circuit 4:
    • 5 minutes of spinning 
    • 10 pushups (knees) 
    • 10 donkey kicks, each side (8 lb. dumbbells)
    • 10 bicep curl/shoulder press combos (8 lb. dumbbells)
    • 10 lunges, left 
    • 10 lunges, right
  • Circuit 5:
    • 5 minutes of spinning
    • 10 bent over row/fly combos (8 lb. dumbbells)
    • 10 lb. plate swing (right)
    • 10 lb. plate swing (left) 
    • 50 lb. stiff-legged deadlift
    • 10 push ups  
The workout clocked in somewhere around 45 minutes, and it was a good, hard workout.

Post-Workout Fuel: 8 oz. soy milk with a scoop of Vega protein powder.

Lunch: Salad with mixed greens, cucumber, red bell pepper, pomegranate seeds, savory tofu, a slice of tempeh bacon, Amish butter cheese, hard-boiled egg, and walnuts dressed in honey and Dijon mustard. I also tried a few Trader Joe's Inner Peas and loved, loved, loved them.


Dinner: Brown rice pasta with homemade pasta sauce, 4 Nate's meatless meatballs, and steamed broccoli with a touch of butter.


Pretty sure that there were some pre-bed snacks. Maybe a macaroon and an egg and a banana? That sounds about right...? Something like that. Who cares, really.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

July 3: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Coconut quinoa with a teaspoon of maple syrup, plum, cherries, and unsweetened coconut.

Lunch: Salad with spring mix, spinach, cucumber, red bell pepper, savory tofu, Amish butter cheese, pomegranate seeds, hard-boiled egg, and walnuts dressed in honey and Dijon mustard.


Exercise: The Heart Attack on Hogsback--I hopped on my bike again and rode up Hogsback hill five times. Though I don't have an exact time for my first attempt at this ride, I estimate that the ride took me about 33:30 (since my thirty minute timer went off about half way up my fifth time up the hill).

Today was hotter and my body felt like it was struggling much more than it did on my first time. And yet, my time 30:48:52!!!!!!! BOO YA!!!!! I wore a heart rate monitor this time, and my high rate on each hill got higher every time. On my fifth trip, the highest I saw was 181.

Generally, I try never to work over 175, but I'm going for short burst of INTENSE work here, and I'm fine with 181. I will say, however, that my lungs sounded a BIT weezy on my final trip, and I think I should probably go to see a doctor to see whether this is allergy related or if I have either allergy or exercise-related asthma.

My legs? They're gonna be smokin'!

There are some things that I will never be able to give up, diet-wise, even though they're not actually *clean.* One of those things, for me, is pasta with red sauce. I must have room for it in my diet. To make it work, I can make the sauce myself, use whole grain pasta, and make sure my portion size is appropriate. A good way for me to do that is to make sure that half of my dinner plate is filled with veggies.

Today, I took my first crack at trying to recreate the pasta sauce from my beloved Caffe Roma. My sauce wasn't even close, but it was still tasty. I'll keep trying!

Dinner: Brown rice pasta with homemade pasta sauce. Steamed broccoli with a touch of butter. A glass of white wine. And, though I didn't plan to eat any, a piece and a half of the garlic bread in the photo (made with Breadsmith multigrain bread, butter, garlic powder, and oregano).


There were probably some snacks that I forgot to record today. I got a bit behind with my food posting, and I may have missed some macaroons, hard-cooked eggs, and bananas in here somewhere, I just can't remember when they happened!