Week 10: 194.0

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Current Weight/BMI: 194.0/30.2 (obese)
Change This Week: - 4.5
Total Lost: 23.5
Pounds to Goal: 54.0

*sigh*

I'm happy with this week, yes. But I feel like I am losing and re-gaining the same 3-4 pounds over and over again. This must be what maintenance feels like.

Anywho, I'm below the line again. As long as I stay there, I'll meet goal by April 9, 2013. Observe:

I finally downloaded the update for MyNetDiary on my iPhone, and am enjoying the new features. For instance, I now have access to a "weekly analysis" of my diet.

This week's analysis shows that, for the six days I tracked (I skipped Saturday, I'll get to that in a minute) I consumed an average of 1771 calories and burned 94 calories each day.

According to the app, I should have lost just under one pound, or 14.25 ounces for the week. Instead,, I lost 4.5 pounds. Now, either my BMR is much higher than MyNetDiary tells me, I'm not really "sedentary," or I'm just burning a whole lot more calories while nursing than I would be otherwise. In any event, I'm going to stick with my 1800/day plan until I reach the point that, though sticking to 1800 EVERY SINGLE DAY, I lose less than two pounds per week. I rarely manage to meet the 1800 goal every day of the week, so I'm not really sure how much I'd lose if I consistently stayed at that number. I hope to find out in the coming weeks.

As for Saturday--Saturday I was tired of dieting. Actually, I was just tired. I had a terrible night of sleep before and a little bit of drama. I was exhausted and could have given zero craps about ever losing weight. That said, I managed to eat a decent breakfast (pumpkin quinoa with soy milk) and a decent lunch (salad bar salad, healthy except for the ranch dressing). For dinner, I went to a birthday party and ate one piece of cheese pizza, a few tortilla chips with cheesey sauce, and a cupcake with ice cream. After I got home, however, I snacked on spicy noodles, chocolate, and popcorn. Less than ideal, I know, but it was only one day. I  managed to get back down to business first thing on Sunday morning.

For now, I'll just keep on tracking. I'll try to increase my protein, as I've only averaged about 57/day. I'll try to keep my saturated fat down (I've averaged 19g a day), and I'll try to get my iron and calcium up (using supplements I have to) as I've been significantly low in both.

I went clothes shopping yesterday. It was horribly depressing. I struggled to shake out of a fat-related funk for the rest of the day.

I don't want to teach my daughter this lesson, that how you look should control your days. I can't let it control me. I just need to get a point where I feel good in my own skin. I'm getting closer.

One day at a time. One pound at at time.

A Photo, a Milestone, and a Death Sentence

Up until today, I've been living in my Old Navy Diva jeans, size 16. Today I was able to pull on my Gap Long & Lean's, size 32/14. The shirt (size XL, Old Navy) does an ok job of hiding the muffin top, and the jeans are wearable.

I call this progress.

I've started a scrap book of things I look forward to wearing and doing when I reach my goal. I intend to grab a giant glass of water and race for the book when the going gets rough and I just want to throw in the towel and eat cheesecake. Or french fries. Or cheese fries. Or all of these.

I've also declared war on the 190s. No sweets, no treats, even if they fit in my caloric tally for the day, until I reach the 180s. I'm getting close. Very close. Less than 5 pounds, close. I'm tired of seeing that nine after that one when I step on the scale every  morning. It's so top-heavy and judgy. It smirks. Sure, it's not as belligerent as the 2 was at the beginning of my weight just a few weeks back, but it's only slighly less agressive. That fucking 9.

I want that 9 to gasp, choke, convulse, and die. I never want to see that bitch again.

Week 8: 196.5 and Week 9: 198.5

Week 8 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Current Weight/BMI: 196.0/29.8 (overweight)
Change This Week: -2.5
Total Lost: 21.5
Pounds to Goal: 56.0

Week 9 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 196.0/29.8 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Change This Week: + 2.5
Total Lost: 19.0
Pounds to Goal: 58.5

Trial last week was horribly stressful and exhausting. I needed to focus on work, and focus I did. Everything else...family, diet, hygiene...had to fall by the wayside.

As a result, I've lost my "cushion" between where I need to be to meet my goal by April 9 and where I was. Here's my chart from MyNetDiary:

My goal this week?

Get below that damn dotted line. Even if it is only by a half a pound.

My goals today?

1. Count calories and stay below 1800 net.
2. Drink 80 ounces of water.
3. Go for a walk at lunch time.
4. Eat a crap ton of fruits and vegetables.
5. Don't get discouraged by lack of progress. Just. Keep. Going.

Week 6: 194.5 and Week 7: 198.5

Week 6 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 196.5/29.9 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 194.5/29.6 (overweight)
Change This Week: - 2.0
Total Lost:  23.0
Pounds to Goal: 54.5

Week 7 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 194.5/29.6 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Change This Week: + 4.0
Total Lost: 19.0
Pounds to Goal: 58.5

Sooooooooooooooo....... I'm obese again. There's that.

And I haven't counted calories or, let's be honest, put much effort in eating the way I should be eating, since Friday, August 24th. And I haven't exercised, either.

Why?

Well, there's the stress, for one thing. I'm an attorney and have a big federal trial coming up and I am anxious as hell. And how do I deal with anxiety? I stuff pound cake and cookies in my gob, that's how I deal with it. How does that work, you ask? Not so well, truth be told.

So...fine. It's done. I managed to lose two pounds last week, despite going off the rails. And then I gained four pounds this week. It's over. It's time to move on.

When this trial is over, I'm going to seek out a behavioral psychologist who can help me find a better way to deal with anxiety. Until then, I'm just going to force myself to count every. Damn. Calorie.

Unfortunately, I'm at the point where I could give exactly zero shits that I'm fat and I want to lose weight and I want to finally, finally achieve a goal that I have wanted for the last 15 years. I know, rationally, that my not caring is a very temporary thing and I will wake up, one day in the very near future, and care very much. I'll kick myself for not doing what I should have been doing. I'll mourn the lost ground and the extra pounds that I have to lose all over again.

That hasn't happened yet.

So...until I start caring again, I will net 1800 calories per day if it kills me. If I eat all 1800 of those calories by 11:00 a.m. then by GOD I will wait until midnight to eat again. I suspect that, when the pounds start coming off again, I will once again care very much indeed.

And, in the glass is half full department, I am still very much on track to reach my goal weight on April 9 of next year, a mere eight months away. Here is a shot of MyNetDiary's progress chart as proof. As long as weight stays below that dotted line, I'm golden.

So, back to work.