Morning Announcements c/o Mr. Union President

GATHER ROUND, EVERYONE! We have a few announcements this morning.

First thing, water rationing is over. Word is that there will be at least two liters coming down the pipe every single day. So, take as much as you need. Don’t be self-conscious about this. I realize that this is a huge adjustment for most of you. Enjoy it.

On the flip side, don’t panic. No, you will not drown. That’s not possible. Nobody will be pouring any water straight into our airways. Likewise, don’t hold on to all that water for fear that it will dry up again. Word on the street is that this time is different.

[Wait for laughter to subside before continuing.]

The water initiative is a part of something called… [looks down to check notes]…”April Goals,” of which, I believe, there are three.

One of the goals, tracking food every day in something called an “app,” doesn’t really involve us, so don’t worry about it. But the final goal, “20 days of exercise” is all on us.

Spring is here, so everyone should get excited about this one. This means long walks outside, people. And, I know it’s early, but there could be a bike ride in the park this month. It’s possible, so buck up. It won’t be all spin bikes and sandbag workouts forever.

From what I learned at the last Commission meeting, there are some pretty significant fitness goals in committee. Nothing concrete has been fleshed out yet, but the ultimate goal will be to get stronger, faster, and more flexible. I don’t know this from experience, but I think we’ll all really like the end result.

Before we adjourn this morning, let us take a moment to acknowledge the departure of pounds #206 and #207. I know that most of us didn’t want to see these guys come back again this time around, and they didn’t really fit in here. Like it or not, however, they were a part of this operation, and we honor them this morning.

[Bows head in silence.]

Ok everyone, that’s it from me this morning. We’ll meet again in a few days. Enjoy all of that water. Back and leg muscles, I hear that you’re both in for a beating this morning. Enjoy it.

That’s all for me.

[Exit.]