June 25: Daily Recap

Breakfast: Coconut breakfast quinoa topped with banana and walnuts. I definitely prefer the quinoa with berries and cherries. This was just too much mush, even if tasty.

 

Lunch:  Salad of baby spinach, cucumber, and red bell pepper topped with smoked tofu, egg, and Amish butter cheese, dressed with honey and Dijon mustard.

And here's where the crazy started.

I'd planned on the following 5x5x5 workout:

• 5 min. spin
• 10 push ups
• 10 donkey kicks w/ 8 lb. dumbbell
• 10 hammer curl/shoulder press combos (was planning on doing separately, combined for time)
• 10 left lunges
• 10 right lunges

• Repeat circuit 5 times.

I managed to make my way up to the lunges portion of the third circuit before circumstances prevented me from finishing.

And I lost it.

I lost it because I'm not sure how in the hell I can do this. I don't know how to do it with a dog that's lost her shit because my other dog died, with two kids and their constant demands, with a job that requires a lot of mental and emotional energy, with a house in turmoil after renovations, with a sick and grieving parent, with a one-man support system and battle after battle after battle at every turn that seems to be preventing me from doing what I need to be doing.

Not finishing that workout broke me a little bit. I refused to eat because I told myself that I could not eat. I couldn't eat not because I wasn't hungry or because I was fighting horribly with Mr. Kazoo, but because with last night's crazy brain, eating dinner meant another failure and, after failing to finish my workout, I could not take one more failure. Another failure on an *ideal* day (no social obligations involving food, no visits with my family) at home meant failure forever. It meant fat and unhealthy forever, and I just can't live with that. I can't.

So I didn't eat. And I suffered through a rockin' headache thanks to almost nine foodless hours before bed and a whole lot of tears.

I suppose this is why so few people succeed and why so many people, after their first success, revert back to their old selves. I'm now realizing how difficult this will be. That every day will be a struggle. There will be some easy day, sure, but I'll have to fight on more days than I coast. Success will mean changing a lot of things about my life. My relationships will change. And I'm beginning to doubt myself. Doubt whether I can make it happen. Doubt whether or not I can deal with the fallout.

The best that I can do is wake up tomorrow and do what I need to do. All day. Try as hard as I fucking can, just for tomorrow. And then wake up the next day, and do the same thing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...right?!