Week 14: 193.5 and Week 15: 190.5

Week 14 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 193.0/29.3 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 193.5/29.4 (overweight)
Change This Week: + 0.5
Total Lost: 24.0
Pounds to Goal: 53.5

Week 15 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 193.5/29.4 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 190.5/29.0 (overweight)
Change This Week: - 3.0
Total Lost: 27.0
Pounds to Goal: 50.5

Right. So I'm exactly where I was three weeks ago today. I seem to be having some trouble gaining any ground. I'm quite a few pounds over the line that will get me to goal on April 9, 2013.

 

Again, I find myself a mere pound away from the 180s. I'm trying to focus on not lamenting my lack of progress and, instead, look at this as an opportunity to break through to the next level. 

I'm not going to waste too much time thinking about that line. Do I want to catch up to it? Hell yes. However, it's the line at the very bottom of the chart that matters the most to me. If I reach it in April of 2013, great! If it takes another entire year, so be it. I just want to get there.

I'm due for outpatient surgery next week, so I'm taking it easy, physically. Instead, I'm counting calories like a mothef^@&#r, and I'm trying to eat the healthiest foods that I can.

My goal is to stick with oats for breakfast, in the form of whipped banana oatmeal or oatmeal protein pancakes topped with banana. On the days I need a break, I'll have a protein berry smoothie in a bowl topped with Cheerios. Once a week, I'll have my egg and croissant breakfast at the best little bakery in Cleveland. 

Lunches will be salads with lots of raw greens, vegetables, protein, and grains. Last week I tried the Everyday Chickpea-Quinoa Salad from Appetite for Reduction. This week I'll try the Edamame Sushi Roll Salad from that same cookbook. Or, if I'm in the mood, I'll try a veggie wrap with hummos and a bowl of healthy vegetable soup.

Dinner will be anything yummy and delicious that I'd like, so long as at least half of my dinner plate is filled with vegetables.

I'd love to say that I'll never have dessert, but I'm a realist. I love sweets, and banning them from my diet will just make me binge. So I'll let myself have dessert NO MORE than twice this week. 

I want the scale to read 188 pounds one week from today. I think, so long as I stick with my plan, I'll get there.

Until then, I'll stay positive!

Week 13: 193.0

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)Last Week Weight/BMI: 190.5/29.0 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 193.0/29.3 (overweight)
Change This Week: + 2.5
Total Lost: 24.5
Pounds to Goal: 53.0

Le sigh...

I pretty much gave up last week. I did wonderfully until Wednesday night, when I had dinner with my family and ate three pieces of pizza, a bread stick, a half of a cinnamon stick, and Halloween candy. That's right, I had a 1500+ calorie dinner.

I started to track on Thursday, and then never recorded dinner. I can't even remember what I ate. I tracked breakfast on Friday but gave up counting calories when I baked cookies for a PTA bake sale and ate at least a dozen. The only thing I tracked over the weekend was Saturday's breakfast. There was a lot of badness in there, but I have no recollection of what I ate.

So yeah. The 2.5 pound weight was not totally unexpected.

Not surprisingly, I'm back over the line.

As if I needed any more bad news, I had an appointment with a surgeon last week who confirmed that I need surgery to correct an umbilical hernia. A surgery that should not be delayed. The good? I'll have an inney again. The bad? 2-3 weeks recovery time that may prevent me from running my first 5k on December 9.

I've decided to be proactive and optimistic this week.

Focus point number 1: The Line. That line will get me where I want to be, when I want to be there. That line is all that matters. I will fight like hell to stay at or below that unholy dotted line. If I can just focus on that line, I can stop sweating how very far I have to go until I reach my goal or how MUCH I am struggling to stay motivated every. Single. Day. The line is all that matters.

Focus point number 2: Train, train, train for the 5k. Even if I can't run it in December. Even if the surgery pushes me back for several more months. I have three full weeks until that surgery. There's no point just abandoning my goal. I'll start. I'll get the surgery. I'll recover. I'll heal. I'll get back to work. If the run doesn't happen on 12/9, I'll register for a different one. No big deal. I'll still do it.

I downloaded the couch to 5k app months ago and finally went for my first run on Sunday night. It did not go as badly as I'd anticipated. I went again last night. I loved and hated every second of it. I stopped worrying about speed and, when the app told me to run, I ran. I didn't stop until it told me to walk. I tried to let go of time, insecurities, discomfort, and anxiety while just putting one foot in front of the other.

I also have a running buddy who will run the event with me. While we're not training together, we send one another encouraging (or complaining) texts about running. Not only is it great to have a way to maintain our friendship, but it motivates me to stick with it because I know that she wants to run the event with me.

So. There it is. Stick with the line. Run.

I can do this.

I will do this.

180's...I'm still lookin' at you. Bitches.

Week 11: 197.0 and Week 12: 190.5

Week 11:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 194.0/29.5 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 197.0/30.0 (overweight)
Change This Week: - 3.0
Total Lost: 20.5
Pounds to Goal: 57.0

Week 12:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 197.0/30.0 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 190.5/29.0 (overweight)
Change This Week: -6.5
Total Lost: 27.0
Pounds to Goal: 50.5

Week 11 was a mess. I did well on Monday, started snacking on my son's Potty Training M&M's (TM) on Tuesday, overate said candies after a giant meal of cheesy Mexican on Wednesday night, ate even more M&Ms on Thursday, and then stopped tracking completely on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and ate whatever I wanted.

No surprise that I gained three pounds and went over the line.

Week 12, I recommitted for the million time. I didn't work out, but I ate well. Here are what my calories looked like:

Monday: 1533
Tuesday: 1622
Wednesday: 1777
Thursday: 1674
Friday: 1478
Saturday: 1731
Sunday: 2774

Why were my calories so high on Sunday? Well, I went out for Mexican (again) which I followed up with a healthy slice of chocolate cake. Am I ok with this decision? Hell yes. I managed to keep my weekly average below 1800 net calories, and even with my giant meal on Sunday night, I managed to do that. And I'm happy.

In Week 11 I managed to gain and get myself above the goal line. In Week 12, I managed to get back under.

And now, finally, in Week 13 I intend to get down into the 180s.

I never, ever want to see 190 when I step on the scale again.

...and I won't.

Week 10: 194.0

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Current Weight/BMI: 194.0/30.2 (obese)
Change This Week: - 4.5
Total Lost: 23.5
Pounds to Goal: 54.0

*sigh*

I'm happy with this week, yes. But I feel like I am losing and re-gaining the same 3-4 pounds over and over again. This must be what maintenance feels like.

Anywho, I'm below the line again. As long as I stay there, I'll meet goal by April 9, 2013. Observe:

I finally downloaded the update for MyNetDiary on my iPhone, and am enjoying the new features. For instance, I now have access to a "weekly analysis" of my diet.

This week's analysis shows that, for the six days I tracked (I skipped Saturday, I'll get to that in a minute) I consumed an average of 1771 calories and burned 94 calories each day.

According to the app, I should have lost just under one pound, or 14.25 ounces for the week. Instead,, I lost 4.5 pounds. Now, either my BMR is much higher than MyNetDiary tells me, I'm not really "sedentary," or I'm just burning a whole lot more calories while nursing than I would be otherwise. In any event, I'm going to stick with my 1800/day plan until I reach the point that, though sticking to 1800 EVERY SINGLE DAY, I lose less than two pounds per week. I rarely manage to meet the 1800 goal every day of the week, so I'm not really sure how much I'd lose if I consistently stayed at that number. I hope to find out in the coming weeks.

As for Saturday--Saturday I was tired of dieting. Actually, I was just tired. I had a terrible night of sleep before and a little bit of drama. I was exhausted and could have given zero craps about ever losing weight. That said, I managed to eat a decent breakfast (pumpkin quinoa with soy milk) and a decent lunch (salad bar salad, healthy except for the ranch dressing). For dinner, I went to a birthday party and ate one piece of cheese pizza, a few tortilla chips with cheesey sauce, and a cupcake with ice cream. After I got home, however, I snacked on spicy noodles, chocolate, and popcorn. Less than ideal, I know, but it was only one day. I  managed to get back down to business first thing on Sunday morning.

For now, I'll just keep on tracking. I'll try to increase my protein, as I've only averaged about 57/day. I'll try to keep my saturated fat down (I've averaged 19g a day), and I'll try to get my iron and calcium up (using supplements I have to) as I've been significantly low in both.

I went clothes shopping yesterday. It was horribly depressing. I struggled to shake out of a fat-related funk for the rest of the day.

I don't want to teach my daughter this lesson, that how you look should control your days. I can't let it control me. I just need to get a point where I feel good in my own skin. I'm getting closer.

One day at a time. One pound at at time.

A Photo, a Milestone, and a Death Sentence

Up until today, I've been living in my Old Navy Diva jeans, size 16. Today I was able to pull on my Gap Long & Lean's, size 32/14. The shirt (size XL, Old Navy) does an ok job of hiding the muffin top, and the jeans are wearable.

I call this progress.

I've started a scrap book of things I look forward to wearing and doing when I reach my goal. I intend to grab a giant glass of water and race for the book when the going gets rough and I just want to throw in the towel and eat cheesecake. Or french fries. Or cheese fries. Or all of these.

I've also declared war on the 190s. No sweets, no treats, even if they fit in my caloric tally for the day, until I reach the 180s. I'm getting close. Very close. Less than 5 pounds, close. I'm tired of seeing that nine after that one when I step on the scale every  morning. It's so top-heavy and judgy. It smirks. Sure, it's not as belligerent as the 2 was at the beginning of my weight just a few weeks back, but it's only slighly less agressive. That fucking 9.

I want that 9 to gasp, choke, convulse, and die. I never want to see that bitch again.

Week 8: 196.5 and Week 9: 198.5

Week 8 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Current Weight/BMI: 196.0/29.8 (overweight)
Change This Week: -2.5
Total Lost: 21.5
Pounds to Goal: 56.0

Week 9 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 196.0/29.8 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Change This Week: + 2.5
Total Lost: 19.0
Pounds to Goal: 58.5

Trial last week was horribly stressful and exhausting. I needed to focus on work, and focus I did. Everything else...family, diet, hygiene...had to fall by the wayside.

As a result, I've lost my "cushion" between where I need to be to meet my goal by April 9 and where I was. Here's my chart from MyNetDiary:

My goal this week?

Get below that damn dotted line. Even if it is only by a half a pound.

My goals today?

1. Count calories and stay below 1800 net.
2. Drink 80 ounces of water.
3. Go for a walk at lunch time.
4. Eat a crap ton of fruits and vegetables.
5. Don't get discouraged by lack of progress. Just. Keep. Going.

Week 6: 194.5 and Week 7: 198.5

Week 6 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 196.5/29.9 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 194.5/29.6 (overweight)
Change This Week: - 2.0
Total Lost:  23.0
Pounds to Goal: 54.5

Week 7 Stats:

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 194.5/29.6 (overweight)
Current Weight/BMI: 198.5/30.2 (obese)
Change This Week: + 4.0
Total Lost: 19.0
Pounds to Goal: 58.5

Sooooooooooooooo....... I'm obese again. There's that.

And I haven't counted calories or, let's be honest, put much effort in eating the way I should be eating, since Friday, August 24th. And I haven't exercised, either.

Why?

Well, there's the stress, for one thing. I'm an attorney and have a big federal trial coming up and I am anxious as hell. And how do I deal with anxiety? I stuff pound cake and cookies in my gob, that's how I deal with it. How does that work, you ask? Not so well, truth be told.

So...fine. It's done. I managed to lose two pounds last week, despite going off the rails. And then I gained four pounds this week. It's over. It's time to move on.

When this trial is over, I'm going to seek out a behavioral psychologist who can help me find a better way to deal with anxiety. Until then, I'm just going to force myself to count every. Damn. Calorie.

Unfortunately, I'm at the point where I could give exactly zero shits that I'm fat and I want to lose weight and I want to finally, finally achieve a goal that I have wanted for the last 15 years. I know, rationally, that my not caring is a very temporary thing and I will wake up, one day in the very near future, and care very much. I'll kick myself for not doing what I should have been doing. I'll mourn the lost ground and the extra pounds that I have to lose all over again.

That hasn't happened yet.

So...until I start caring again, I will net 1800 calories per day if it kills me. If I eat all 1800 of those calories by 11:00 a.m. then by GOD I will wait until midnight to eat again. I suspect that, when the pounds start coming off again, I will once again care very much indeed.

And, in the glass is half full department, I am still very much on track to reach my goal weight on April 9 of next year, a mere eight months away. Here is a shot of MyNetDiary's progress chart as proof. As long as weight stays below that dotted line, I'm golden.

So, back to work.