Week 4: 203.0 Pounds

Starting Weight/BMI: 217.5/33.1 (obese)
Last Week Weight/BMI: 202.0/30.7 (obese)
Current Weight/BMI: 203/30.9 (obese)
Change This Week: + 1.0
Total Lost:  14.5
Pounds to Goal: 63.0

F@ck!

And no...I don't really want to talk about it, but I will.

This week fits my usual diet pattern perfectly.

I began Monday. I started the day with a clean, healthy diet but went to the county fair with my family in the evening and made responsible choices. I consumed 2078 calories but burned an estimated 577 calories by walking at the zoo all morning and at the fair all evening. Net calories: 1501.

Tuesday, despite my morning breakfast meeting over the best croissants in Cleveland, I managed to consume a relatively clean 1758 calories.

Wednesday? 1782 clean calories.

Thursday. Thursday, Thursday, Thursday. I slept for shit thanks to my little Sweet Pea waking up longer than usual at night. I was, in a word, exhausted. And I have a trial coming up that is making me sweat bullets. And all I wanted was cake, bagels, and donuts. And wouldn't you know that, when I dropped the Niblet off at his sitter, she gave me three thick slices of squishy beer bread. And I ate them. All three of them. Calories consumed? Somewhere in the neighborhood of 2578.

And Friday I did just great until I joined my family out for dinner at a greasy spoon for dinner and had fried eggs and American cheese on a bagel with a side of french fries dipped in creamy ranch dressing. Calories: 2549.

Saturday I had the usual, healthful, clean breakfast and lunch. Then the fam and I went to our favorite Mexican joint for dinner. And I was exhausted again on Saturday, and I was home alone trying to get Sweet Pea to sleep. And I was at my wit's end. And so, to help matters, I scarfed two pieces of almond shortbread. And then I had some banana bread with cream cheese. And by some, I mean two thick slices. Calories: a whopping 3414.

And then there was Sunday. I started with a delicious, nutrient packed smoothie in a bowl (soy milk, protein powder, 1/2 banana, blueberries, and spinach) topped with Cheerios and granola. 452 calories of deliciousness. And then we decided to go to the fair again. And I ate six, deep fried mini donuts, some of the Niblet's cheese fries, five deep fried pierogi with sour cream, and an ear of buttery, salty corn on the cob. I didn't even bother calculating calories.


The carnage continued at home, where I ate banana bread immediately after coming home from the fair. I had beans and rice for dinner, which I followed with a caramel sundae from Dairy Queen, a piece of corn bread, and a bite of brownie. And then when I prepared the Niblet's lunch for the sitter's house today, I ate the rest of the mac and cheese that did not fit into his lunchbox.

W. T. F.

So, in a way, I suppose I should feel lucky that I only gained one pound this week, yes? And I suppose I am. And really, if you look at many of my meals on my very worst days, I did a great job packing in the nutrients, so there's the silver lining.

But for the love of Whomeverneedslove, what the hell is my problem?

My immediate instinct is, of course, to promise that I will eat clean and "perfectly" and exercise when I can until I hit this week's goal of 198 pounds, and I know that I could probably do that. But that reaction has led to some pretty spectacular failures in the past, and I need to do things differently if I want to finally succeed here.

So, again, I will focus on one. Day. At. A. Time. I will take each choice at a time, and I will try to make the best choice. And if I fail to make the best choice, I will make the best choice the next time I have a decision to make.

But what I keep promising myself, what I need to keep promising myself, is this:

I will not quit. I will not quit. I will not quit. This will work. This will work. This will work. 

I can do this.

(Right??)