Hi! I'm Kazoo, and I'm Fat in Cleveland!

Ok, fine. Technically I am, at this exact moment, Knocked Up in Cleveland. Of course, this baby and this baby weight aren't fooling anyone. I was fat before I got pregnant and I'll be fat after I have this baby, and I. Cannot. Take. It. Any. More. The fat, that is (though this pregnancy is getting a bit old, truth be told).

Here I am in all of my pregnant glory:

[What? I said I was fat. I never said I was a freaking photographer!]

I'm 5'8" and, before I got Knocked Up in Chicago (road trip, baby!) I weighed in at 183 pounds. In the above photo, at 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I weight 221.5 pounds. Have you done the math yet? Yeah, that's a 38.5 pounds weight gain.

Now, my OB, who is clearly insane, is trying to tell me that I've only gained 20 pounds this pregnancy. I'm not sure how she gets that figure (unless I somehow managed to gain 18 pounds before my first appointment with her), but let me say this:

Disgusting.

This is my third attempt at weight loss blogging, and I'm hoping that the third time is the charm, especially considering the fact that I actually plan to gain a few pounds right off the bat. See? I'm realistic like that. And then, when I drop this baby (who I hope weighs 20 pounds), I'll get to work.

For now, I'm spending a hell of a lot of time on Pinterest and Tumblr, gazing at "fitspo" motivational messages and biding my time until I, too, can look like a cover model for Oxygen magazine. Until then, I just need to wait this out, try and enjoy (ha!) the rest of my pregnancy, get to know the sweet little Cupcake that is coming into the world, and then get the hell to work.

I'm so beyond ready to change my life. I just need a little...patience.